Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Comrade M's Shirtless XI


First of all, I’d like to offer a disclaimer that what you are about to read is absolutely 100% a fangirl “fluff piece.” Some people are really concerned that writing this will somehow convince other people that I don’t know what I’m talking about (you know, in the same way that guys who think Alex Morgan is hot totally don’t know what a hat trick is or that she scored one last week. *rolls eyes*), but I write about serious footy stuff all the time, and there’s something really important that those articles are lacking: Abs. (And Xabi Alonso.)

I wish I could say how this whole “M’s Shirtless Starting XI” even started (ed. note: me either). I think it is in some way related to the “Every time M tweets ‘Matt Pickens! Take your shirt off!’ drinking game,” but again, I really can’t be sure. At some point, someone asked me to name my Shirtless XI, and I obliged.  

I wanted to name a squad that could actually be fielded (aka, not just Matt Pickens x11), and I was told I wasn’t allowed to just say “the Spanish National Team” (Puyol would never make the cut, anyway). I also stuck to only current players.

After hours and hours of research (hey, someone’s gotta do it…), I am pleased to present you with my Shirtless XI:

Keeper:
Matt Pickens, Colorado Rapids.
It sort of had to be Pickens, didn’t it? And maybe it wouldn’t have to be Pickens if he weren’t so elusive and just took his shirt off every once and a while, but he doesn’t…like…ever. Therefore, I demand he play the full 90 shirtless, because it’s my Shirtless XI, and I make the rules.




Defenders:
Carlos Bocanegra, Rangers (on loan to Racing Santander); Gerard Pique, Barcelona; Jose Enrique, Liverpool.

Here’s where it got tricky. Pickens was an obvious choice, and mids/forwards were pretty easy to pick, too, but for some reason, defenders are apparently not that hot. Yeah, I said it.

Boca was an obvious pick (hello, ESPN 2012 Bodies Issue…), Pique is pretty widely regarded as being gorgeous, but from there I was stumped, and really just wanting to finish out my roster. Jose Enrique isn’t that hot, but he’s randomly much more ripped than you would expect, so he kind of rounds out the back line by default.


Bocanegra:

Pique:
Enrique:




Mids:
Xabi Alonso, Real Madrid; Clint Dempsey, Tottenham; Cesc Fabregas, Barcelona; Steven Gerrard, Liverpool; Benny Feilhaber, N.E. Revolution(contract option declined since making this roster).

The midfield is where beautiful people hang out. Two words for you: Xabi. Alonso. C’mon, who DOESN’T love Xabi Alonso? Xabi is the object of many a dude-crush, and is in my top 5 if not top 3 favorite footballers. Love that guy…but I digress. Fabregas and Captain Fantastic are sort of self explanatory.  I can’t even find a picture of Benny Feilhaber with his shirt off and he makes the XI because OMG, those eyes…I’m melting. (Plus you can totally tell what’s goin’ on under that shirt anyway.) Last but so far from least… Deuce! Those abs! That ink! That beautiful, beautiful trollface! *swoon*
Xabi Alonso:


Fabregas:

Steven "Captain Fantastic" Gerrard:


Benny Feilhaber:

Clint Dempsey:


Forwards:
Fernando Torres, Chelsea;  Caleb Folan, PBDKT T-Team FC (that doesn’t sound like a real club, does it? Apparently he’s playing in Malaysia now, but that’s really neither here nor there).

I once took Nyquill, slept for close to 18 hours and had a dream that Fernando Torres was completely smitten with me. I woke up completely disoriented, and I’ve kind of had a thing for him since then. Despite breaking my heart by leaving me (and so tactlessly!) to play for the enemy, I still like seeing ‘Nando with his shirt off, so he makes the list. I wanted to put Juan Mata on the roster, but a friend of mine constantly talks crap about how huge Mata’s head is, and upon further review, yeah, he does have a pretty big dome piece, so Caleb Folan gets the final spot. Folan is a terrible footballer, but dude has a throat tattoo. And that’s legit.

Torres:


Folan:




So there you have it. My Shirtless Starting XI. My list of subs changes almost daily, but I feel pretty good about my XI. Thoughts?

-Emily O'Brian Ainsworth
Follow Emily on Twitter: @ComradeM

Oh and P.S. If someone (other than me, of course) is going to coach this squad, it’s gotta be this guy:








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